Last week, a friend lost her baby. In simple terms, the baby died and she gave birth to him and now she and her family have got to work out how to carry on, in the knowledge with the fact that he’s not with her and her family. And he should be. It’s just not fair – there’s no rhyme or reason to it. I cried when I heard, because I knew how much he was wanted, and loved, before he’d even arrived.
And then tonight, Gary Barlow has announced that he and Dawn, his wife, lost baby Poppy on Sunday night. I wasn’t going to blog about this, because it’s not anything that is happening to me, but was talking to someone one the phone a moment ago, about how people are facebooking and tweeting their sympathies and they said that it “just wasn’t meant to be” and was “probably for the best”….
And I got so angry.
Miscarriage and the loss of a baby, at any point in the pregnancy is awful. It’s awful. It hurts – physically and emotionally. Even though my miscarriages were relatively early ones, so they were a very different experience, they still were meant to be in some way, because I’d gotten pregnant in the first place. And to suggest that somehow, a stillbirth is for the best, is just wrong. It feels really wrong to me.
I feel limited in what I can blog here, because I’ve held my best friend’s hand as they have lost their daughter at term, and it was truly harrowing. I cannot explain the feelings I had, let alone theirs and I don’t feel that it’s appropriate for me to write about it.
I appreciate that people make mistakes because they just don’t know what to say. If you can’t think of something to say, or are worried about saying the wrong thing perhaps you could just say that - “I don’t know what to say.” or “I’m sorry for your loss”.
Here’s a link to SANDS, who have been a great source of support to people who have lost their babies. And helped me when I didn’t know what to say or do a couple of years ago…. http://www.uk-sands.org/Support/For-family-and-friends.html And here’s their helpline number: 0207 436 5881.
Another link via Marie_Donn on twitter. http://www.babylosscomfort.com/what-do-i-say/
Here’s a beautifully written blog that has a list of things to say, and things to not say, from someone who sadly has experienced the loss of their baby.