I am not saying that any of this has happened to me in the last 3 weeks. It would be too embarrassing for words, for me to know you Online or In Real Life and I would never be able to look at you again. So for the record. None Of This Has Happened To Me. None Of It At All.
- I have not had a hacking cough that has left me wetting myself so much that I have had to resort to wearing Tena Lady thicker than maternity pads.
- I have not had coughing fits whilst trying to go out of the house that have left me on my knees in the street looking like, well, I don’t know what.
- I have not cried because I’ve run out of toilet roll to spit my produce of my cough onto, when the next roll was 30 cms away and within reach.
- I have not looked at my Dr and literally tilted my head to the side to see if it makes my blurred vision any better.
- I have not pulled muscles that I didn’t know I had from coughing and then wandered aimlessly around the house trying to remember the name of “Deep Heat” and failed, and cried over it.
- I have not cried because I am so jealous of my children sleeping and snoring in my bed, because I was not sat on the sofa, getting angrier and angrier that I was not sleeping myself.
- I have not farted loudly, coughed at the same time, made use of Tena lady and wondered if I’d hit the jackpot and actually Followed Through. I have not done that. Repeatedly. I have not considered wearing my children’s old nappies in case it actually happened to me.
- I have not asked Lovely Bloke “what’s that noise?” to be told it was me, and my wheezing whilst trying to breathe. I have not taken so many asprin that I don’t know my own breathing any more.
- I have not considered being an affiliate for dissolvable aspirin. Or dreamt of straplines on how I could sell it.
- I have not begged to my Practise Nurse for antibiotics. To be refused and told it’s viral. To then cry in the car afterwards.
- I have not developed a system of assessing gross stuff that I have coughed up in my mouth – does it actually need spitting out or, well, I’ll leave that bit up to your imagination. Because it’s not happening for me right now. So I don’t know how to describe it.
- I have not breathed a huge sigh of relief (I’d like to be able to do that, to be fair) at the GP saying this morning that there is a rattle in my lung and that I may need IV antibiotics. I have not thanked God for this potential pneumonia assessment, because it might mean that I’ve not lost my marbles and / or are over reacting at all. I have not done this.
- I have not considered emailing LoveFilm to ask for an extension on Grey’s Anatomy being live online because I’m watching so much of it.
- Nor have I lived some alternate life through watching nine seasons of Grey’s Anatomy in an asprin induced haze for 3 weeks. I wish I had. I haven’t been with the programme enough to do that!
God, there is so much more that I have not done. I am so proud to have conducted myself with Decorum, Grace and Not Cried One Bit at being this unwell. I have not Been A Bad Patient. I have not felt sorry for myself. I have been patient with this illness and I have not taken it as a sign from the Universe that I should not buy another Lottery Ticket Ever Again.
Because that would be silly. Wouldn’t it?
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