“Bring out your dead”…. “Hang on, I’m not dead yet….”
I love that bit of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I’ve been saying “I’m not dead yet” for years – for a wide range of purposes! So even though it sounds a bit strange to say it here, in relation to my own Dad having died, I want to put it out there. “I’m not dead yet.” We’re here. We are doing this. We’re cracking on.
With a reality check – of course, I’m still crying at *everything*.
Tonight it was at the first aid course we do every year to be part of the school community so we can all use the school pool together outside of school hours. I felt overwhelmed when we got to the part about resuscitation – I keep playing scenarios in my head where, if had I been with my Dad at the point where he actually died, I might have tried to resuscitate him, even though I was the biggest advocate going for DNR. I really wish I’d been with him, but I also know that my Dad was my Dad and I’m sure that he’s done things in a way that work for him.
That over thinking and analysis aside, I’m still here. We’re still here. We are working on and for Hope House Press with a passion that’s growing, despite being in the ‘difficult second album’ territory. We’re working on Christmas. We’re supporting my Mum, in a different way now to how we were. She’s in her own place and slowly making new friends. I find it hard to do it at 40, so we’re busting with pride at her tentative steps to get out in the world, at nearly 70, and see what it has to offer. Woe betide anyone who tries it on though – she’s smart and has us to back her up, as the utilities people are finding out to their peril !!!! But that’s another post 😉 We came back from the first aid training, to find my Mum and both boys in a hot sweaty heap on the sofa. They’d been playing football. Elliott in goal and my Mum and William taking it in turns to try and skill him. Whatever that means….
We’re here. We’re doing this. The boys are beautiful. It still makes me ache to watch them sometimes. Hanging out on the sofa, watching the Telly Box. Having water fights. Telling us to “put some clothes on” when we jump into their paddling pool on the first hot weekend of the year. They are incredible human beings. Spending time with them, being in their lives and supporting and shaping their outlooks is the best thing. Ever. Hands down. If we could get to the socks and pants and clothes sorting, I think I’d achieve Nirvana. I can live with the bickering. Just. But the clothes management and household support activities still need a lot of work. We’re starting late, but it’s better than nothing.
We’re doing this.