I know that this is a bit of a rambling blog post, but it’s something that’s really important to me to get out there….
Things I wish I’d known about giving birth to a baby. The big one is that there’s a point where you get really scared. Properly frightened and there’s nothing anyone can do for you. For me, it was at the point where I could actually see W’s head was about to arrive, the epidural had failed and they’d taken away gas & air because I wasn’t “concentrating on the job in hand” enough.
I could see his head and was so frightened – I couldn’t work out how I was supposed to get it outside of me – let alone the rest of his body. And to be fair, I don’t know now how I did it. I hesitate to use the phrase out of body experience, but that’s what I mean. I remember thinking that there was no option but to go for it. The only shame is that I didn’t listen to the midwife and wait for the contractions. By forcing it, that’s how I did the damage I did and ended up with transfusions and an extended stay in the delivery suite itself – right next to theatre, in case I needed a visit over there at some point. Not that I’d twigged that of course – I was only told as we were discharged!
I think we need to talk more about the fact that people can get scared in labour. Women and men. Watching one born every minute last night I was really angry with the bloke who went outside for a fag, went to the coffee shop, offered to buy his girlfriend a hot dog when she was in the middle of pushing their son out. But actually, for some people that’s their only way of coping. To keep moving, to keep distracted. I’d have done my nut if my husband had missed the arrival of either of our sons! Different strokes for different folks eh?
Fear is something that never goes away: as soon as I was pregnant, I was worrying – was I eating enough / the right food? Was I keeping enough food in me long enough for it to work? Was the baby safe, even though I was being sick so often? Would it come to love noodles as much as I did and rely on them like I did whilst pregnant?
And then, miraculously I worked it out. Or should I say, that over time I’ve made progress towards working it out – it’s never going to go away. It’s never going to change – the basic feeling of fear. And that’s because I’m a conscientious parent. I want the best for our boys. I want them to be safe, to be happy, to have the best of everything that we can provide for them. And what that is, that I need to provide, changes over time. At first it was a clean bum, regular feeding and cuddles to get them through the physical changes they were undergoing. Now it’s a bit different. It’s teaching them that there are a range of ways to get what you want in the world and that sometimes, you don’t get them no matter how hard you try.
It’s about showing someone how to wipe their bum properly. How to work as part of a team. How to help other people because it’s nice to do that. How to be a good friend and brother. How to notice when someone else is sad and could do with cheering up.
There’s so much now, that again, it’s scary when I sit and think about how much there is that I want to teach my children. So much that I want them to know, experience, have and be part of. I don’t know how we can give it all to them but we’re trying our best.
Which brings me back to the start of this blog post – when you’re in labour, there’s a myriad of ways things happen that are in and outside of your plans, in and outside of your control. But so long as you are trying your best, for you and your baby, whatever stage of pregnancy, labour or parenting you’re at, no one can ask any more of you. X
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