Klaxon 1: This is a very personal post. If you know me for work I’d rather you don’t read on, if that’s ok with you? Thank you.
Klaxon 2: This is a very personal post. If you don’t like what I’m writing or feel the need to judge me for it, that’s fine but I’m telling you now, that if you say anything to me that I don’t find supportive, I’m likely to unleash my Jason Seddon manouvre on you and it will hurt. A lot.
Klaxon 3: This is a very personal post. I’m sharing it because I want to be honest about where I’m at and give myself this post to look back on as I make progress and remember how it really felt to be a size 20 and weigh 16 stone 7lbs.
It’s not you, it’s me. No really, it is. It’s my food choices that have gotten me to where I am today – sat on the sofa, crying with hunger, feeling the pain of an infection that’s been caused by my sweating more than I’m used to – getting out and about and exercising with the dog is great, but well, ahem, my body’s not used to sweating like this and doesn’t know what to do with it, so it’s given me the sorest of sores, in the most unholy of places. [[ SEE CLIENT – I TOLD YOU TO STOP READING, SO SERIOUSLY – STOP. RIGHT. NOW]]
I could say it’s the unplanned, rushed C Section.
I could say it’s the after effects of having two babies within 16 months.
I could say that I’ve not had time to look after myself because I’ve been building up successful businesses.
I could say that my boys haven’t slept through the night in years so I’m just too tired to exercise.
I could say that I hate how society judges anyone who is overweight and that I’m determined to not just conform for conforming’s sake.
I could say that I’ve decided to stay overweight because I’m tired of other people patronising me – saying that I need to lose weight because it will make me a happier person – if I were a size 14 like they are, I’d be just like them.
I could say that I’ve decided to be the weight I am because my Mum was overweight when I was a child and I have so many happy memories of her being soft, squishy and cuddly and I want to emulate that.
I could say any and all of these things. I really could. And I have. And more.
But the truth is that right now, it’s fricking painful to be overweight. My body hurts. My brain is tired of the internal chatter that’s going on inside it – that’s a post in its own right! And I don’t want to be unable to keep up with my boys any more. It’s too painful for me emotionally and makes me cry. I also hate the fact that I can’t shop in regular clothes shops anymore, that knee high boots don’t fit my legs. That the beautiful jewellery I’ve had for my birthday doesn’t actually fit my neck.And I’ve not even gotten to the experience of eating and how it makes me feel yet. Again, there’s a whole series of posts in that. All these things are small individually. But big, they feel like quite literally, a huge weight on my body and outlook on the world.
It’s funny, because when it comes to work, I can switch it on so easily on the phone, email, and Skype. But I avoid live speaking gigs, standing up in front of a crowd because I panic over my limited wardrobe. I worry that people will be distracted from my genius (I know, I’m modest), because of how I look.Whether they do or not is irrelevant – because it’s on my mind and stopping me from being the best that I can be. I’ve turned down so many requests to speak on a stage that would be great opportunities for me to help people with their marketing, communications and social that it’s embarrassing. And I’ve avoided seeing my own business mentor for months, because she’ll want to know why I’m not out and about like I was previously.
Today I’m officially drawing a line in the sand. Today’s the day that I start to make permanent changes to my life. And do you know what’s triggered this move? Friendship. The unwavering love and support of a small group of friends who have marched me and the dog all over The Gogs, no matter how much I’ve complained about it, because they know it’s what I’ve wanted to do, friends who have researched what pre diabetes means because I’m too scared to look at it properly online and friends who have reassured me that I’m totally in control of the person that I will be and what I’ll fill my head with when I’m not chastising myself for the choices I made throughout the day and in my sleep. I think that’s the thing that scares me the most – who I will be when I’m not fulfilling the big girl, big personality persona.
How am I doing this? What’s my plan? I’ve decided to take radical steps, to make a radical difference to my body. I started today with the Cambridge Weight Plan. It’s not been a great day to be honest. I don’t think I’ll be gracing the Daily Fail with my before and after photos from today!! Day 1 hasn’t been a resounding success – I had my shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch – with two pieces of bread because I felt so sick after taking my antibiotics on the empty stomach. And then for my tea, I’ve had another shake, with a handful of ham and more bread – the nausea is awful. And an hour ago, I had a final, extra shake to what I’d planned on.
I know that it’s the antibiotics though, because I did Cambridge Weight Plan at that start of the year and was successful to a point. The point being that I was doing it with someone – a ‘consultant’ – who I really didn’t connect with as a person. She was at a very different point in life to me and we just didn’t click. So I did all sorts off piste. I know what to do. I know that it works and I know where I’m going now and have a great consultant – Kate – who’s going to help me do this.
I know that I’m changing my mindset already – Lovely Bloke suggested a chippy tea on the way home from the boy’s swimming lessons – we were all hungry and tired and grumpy. And even though I cried over it, I said no thank you. As someone who would eat chips and gravy for breakfast, lunch and dinner without flinching, this is evidence of my commitment to making these changes.
Tomorrow will be better. I know that my body will start to adjust to having less food and more liquid. I’ll still have to go for a wee every ten minutes though – I’ll be doing that for a couple of weeks to come! So that’s where I’m at – I’m hungry, in pain, feeling very nauseous and hell bent on nailing this.
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