I am so annoyed. So angry. Anger flows through my veins like hot liquid. Why? Because on top of the actual issues of the day – the fact that my Dad is dying a slow, confusing, sometimes painful and no doubt lonely and confusing and frightening death from frontal lobe dementia – my usual coping mechanisms are not working.
I have bought comfort food and not wanted it. Nothing actually tastes of food. Even blessed chips and gravy are not floating my boat.
I have tried to spend money on things to self nurture – cleansing wipes – and I now have some HUGE spots and lumps on my chin to show for it.
I have sworn and uttered every single mother fucking swear word under the sun. The boys started a swear pot to see if they could help me stop swearing. I now am horrendously in debt to them and they love it.
I’ve tried to sleep through it. But I can’t sleep. I hate that. Wandering the house in the night, feeling tired, lonely and teary is not a great experience. And the nightmares. God. They are enough to make me want to never sleep again. Snakes. As Indiana Jones says “I hate snakes”. I really do hate them and they scare me so much in my nightmares.
And still, nothing makes this better. It’s shit. I tell you. This is shit. Utterly shit. Nothing works. I wish I liked booze – any kind would be fine. I wish I could drink to numb these feelings. It’s just too shit for words.
I don’t want the company of my friends either right now. I’m too grumpy. I am bored of myself being grumpy and teary and overly emotional. So I want to hide from them. I am so frightened that I’m going to snap their heads off and alienate them forever if I’m rude to them.
It just doesn’t stop. It never ends. The worry. Are we harming the boys by having this happening around us? Are we handling this the ‘right way’? Is there a right way? Are we looking after Mum enough? Updating my Brother enough? Are we creating a good impression at the hospital so that they continue to love Dad as best they can whilst we wait for a place to be found for him? My head is spinning. I can’t keep up.