Dear Father Christmas,
For Christmas I would like something that I know many people won’t be asking for, but I do know that there is something that I really, really want. I really would like for this to be my Dad’s last Christmas here on this earth and that he’ll move on to the next stage of whatever his soul’s existence is, in peace and without fear or pain.
It’s a strange request, I know, but I am confident that the experience my Dad is having right now is not what he’s ever wanted for himself or for our family to be part of with him. I’ve just been to visit him – and he didn’t know who I was. He didn’t know where he was – not that he was worried – he just has no awareness of his surroundings. He doesn’t wear glasses any more – we can’t keep them on his head – so I doubt he’s seeing much of us to try and work out who we are!
I’d normally say ‘please don’t judge me for this’ but frankly, if you’re so inclined, please do judge away. I don’t give a shiny shizzle. I’m missing my Dad. I’m sad. I wish my Dad were still here. I wish he had newspaper spread on the floor and was trying to crack nuts firstly with a nut cracker and then with a hammer with flair and drama, with my Mum shrieking at him in the background. I wish that he were sneaking the boys extra treats from the ‘treat corner’. I wish… there’s so much that I wish for.
But mostly I wish that my Dad can pass from this life to his next, in peace and without pain or fear, knowing that we all love him and thank him for the brilliant life we’ve all had with him. I’m going to counselling on a regular basis and the thing I want my Dad to remember of me and him is our connection. I want him to remember the connection, the love, the shared experiences, the shared outlook and opinions on life and the universe. I want him to remember love, because although his very earliest life may not have started out surrounded by love, he’s certainly leaving it full with so many of us full of love for him.
Merry Christmas Daddy, whatever your experience of it is.