So, today is Saturday. At 8am, I’m laying in bed, feeling overshadowed by thoughts of my Dad, how he died, what happened and what could have happened. How I need to get on with the day and don’t want to and …. well. It just goes on. The internal conflict. Meh.
And in the post, arrives a buddy box. I got one a while ago from my beloved friend Kelly. And it was so interesting. To be a recipient of one. To have someone say “Yo. I see you. I SEE YOU and I am sending this to see if it helps to know you are seen, and I want to help”. Well, that’s what I took from it. So imagine this box arriving this morning. And I don’t know who it’s from. I feel quite good about there being a long list of people who may have sent it to me. Because that means there are a number of people who love me and are rooting for me. Which is rather wonderful really.
That. When you are laid in your bed. Reading the papers on your phone. Struggling with the idea of getting up and showering and feeling overshadowed. And this arrives. And you don’t know who it is from!!! Whoever you are, I love you. Thank you. I will write a blog post about this actually. Because there’s even more to this than the actual gift. Which makes it incredible timing. And like there is a plan and purpose. Even when you are just not sure what it is. Maybe I can just go with it after all?
But the box. This is the big thing. In it, there is the self care book. And it’s a THING that there is this book in the box. Why? Because I ordered the book the day before Dad’s funeral and felt that it would be a really good thing to have it, at home, ready for me to use and start working on as a fresh start because my self care has been woefully lacking in recent months. You know, I’ve made so much time for getting things in place for my Mum and Dad, fighting for care funding, visiting, sorting and selling houses, caring for my Mum and most recently, organising my Dad’s funeral – I didn’t know I had the capacity to stretch like I have. So surely I can apply myself in the same way to caring for myself???
Well. Ha bloody ha. I started to read the book the day after the funeral. I was utterly pissed off with it. So annoyed. It was really, really annoying. SO ANNOYING. All this theory and how and why and background. Chapters of it. WHAT??? Just bring me the healing. The to do list. Bring it on. Give me a list. But so much, before that. And so I got really annoyed with it and said to Lovely Bloke, feck this. I am not doing this. I can work it out for myself. So I put it to one side.
And of course, it’s been really playing on my mind ALL WEEK, that I am so annoyed with the bloody book. Would it work if I took the time to read everything in it??? I have been doing internal monologues on it in the shower. So much thinking about self care and is it a trend? Is it the Kate, Will and Harry effect? I’m a smart bird, surely I could be able to read it, process and take what I want to, from it? Surely I am able to do that????
And then, this box arrives. Which is a gift of love, with socks and a foot balm. I have used both today. And I will use the eye mask tomorrow. And I promise, I am going to go back to the book. I will use the postcard as a marker within the book. I will read it. And then even if I decide it’s still annoying me too much, that’s ok. Because I will have taken the information, processed it and considered it and that in itself is an act of self care, isn’t it??
So the arrival of the box, with the book, today of all days is a big deal. Because it’s showing me that it’s ok for me to challenge myself. It’s ok to look at something more than once. It’s ok – all these feelings are ok. All these experiences and emotions are ok. I love my Dad. All my Dad wants is for us to be happy. I don’t know what else to write. So I’ll stop for now.
PS. Whoever you are, that sent me the buddy box, thank you. It is an incredible, perfect and much appreciated gift. Thank you x
PPS. If you know someone who has lost someone that they love, check out my list of things you can do to help them….