Dear Older Lady at the swimming pool at our lovely private hotel that we pay to be members of…

Please do not tell my son that he cannot do a sitting dive from the side of the pool. Please do not complain about children being in swimming pools because they splash too much and make your hair wet. I think you’ve got more to worry about than wet hair – your bright blue, badly applied eyeshadow would be a better thing for you to focus on. You are lucky that neither E or W saw fit to comment on it like they usually would, because I would have died laughing.

And apparently you’d already started on the other 3 and a half year old swimming there with his mummy. Seriously love, get a life, and a hair cap if you’re that worried about your hair. And if I had seen you in the changing rooms, and so much as dared to give me another piece of unsolicited opinion and input, I would have told you exactly where to shove it, and it would not be pretty. (The boys were changing with daddy today, so I could have used the wording I reserve for idiots like you, without their little ears being shocked….)

God willing, you’re also a member of the hotel, so we can splash and have fun at your expense next weekend, because you need to get the message. Children doing activity is fun and good. And if Rory McGrath can swim in that pool, being 10 times the size that my son is, and splash his way up and down the pool, then my son should be able to as well. So shove it.